The Time of His Life
by Spoofmaster
Summary: Everything dies. Even a Time Lord will eventually use up all his get out of jail free cards, but the Doctor isn't about to make it easy for Death to claim him. Thirteenth Doctor.


Okay, so I have either bazillion projects going right now. So what do I do? I write something else entirely. Brilliant.

This is the thirteenth Doctor, just to be clear.

Disclaimer: The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club. Err…something like that. Do I honestly look like someone who owns things?

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The Doctor was dying.

Or, more properly, the Doctor ought to have been dying. He was, however, insisting on being difficult about it.

"This is just ridiculous," he was saying. "First off, I only just got to be ginger, and you're saying I have to die? Not fair! And besides that, you can't even be here. The idea of Death being an actual person is downright silly, not to mention how specific you've decided to be about it. I mean, come on! Thanatos? Why Thanatos? And what's your purpose in coming to me?"

Thanatos glared at the Time Lord, arms crossed, foot tapping, and wings, to his dismay, beginning to molt. The Doctor paused for a moment in his speech, which had hitherto been accompanied by pacing and increasingly wild gestures.

"You're molting," he pointed out, nodding at the handful of black feathers littering the pavement "How can Death molt?"

"It's time, Doctor," repeated Thanatos for what felt like (and probably was) the twentieth time. "You get to cheat me twelve times, but only twelve. You're out of regenerations, and you've just been hit by a truck—"

"Aw, come on!" protested the Doctor. "What kind of death is being hit by a truck for the last Time Lord? I have a reputation to uphold!"

"Not anymore." Thanatos suddenly dove for the Doctor, reaching out in an attempt to fasten the manacles he carried onto his quarry. The butterflies that had landed on the hair and clothing of both men took flight as the Doctor stepped nimbly aside and Thanatos stumbled and nearly fell.

"And what kind of behavior is that, I ask you! Slapping handcuffs on people…it's no wonder no one likes you!"

Thanatos sighed heavily and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"I can't not take you," complained the deity. "That's just not how it works! If you didn't want to die, you should have remembered to look both ways!"

He feinted to the left, hoping to trick the Doctor into leaving himself open on the right, but the Time Lord slipped out of his reach again. Several more feathers fell to the ground and Thanatos's butterflies, giving him up for a lost cause, found perches on some nearby shrubbery.

"I really am wondering though, why Thanatos? Hardly the most intimidating Death anyone ever thought up. Not that you're not…" the Doctor looked Thanatos up and down, considering him. "…manly. But when I think of terrifying imminent Death, I don't generally think of butterflies and a winged boy in a skirt."

"It's not a skirt," muttered Thanatos, sulking.

"Tunic, then. Either way, your trousers are missing."

Thanatos gritted his teeth and tried a new tactic.

"If you come with me now, you'll get to see them all again," he said, looking the Doctor in the eye. "Adric, the other Time Lords…everyone you ever lost."

The Doctor gave this comment serious consideration. Thanatos used the opportunity to edge closer, hoping for a clear shot before the other man noticed what he was doing.

"What about the Daleks?"

"What?" Thanatos stopped, startled by the question. "What about them?"

"Well, if everyone who's ever died is wherever it is that you're so keen to take me, there'll be an awful lot of Daleks. Might put a bit of a damper on the party."

"But they're dead," replied Thanatos, confused. "It's not like they can do anything."

"So what you're saying then," the Doctor tapped his chin, "is that dead people can't do anything. So if _I'm_ dead, _I_ can't do anything, either."

"Well, I mean—"

"It doesn't sound very fun, Than. Not with—_stop that!"_

Thanatos had managed to come within inches of getting the manacles on the Doctor's arms, only to be thwarted at the last moment when the Doctor gave him a sharp slap on the wrist. Shocked at being treated in such a way, Thanatos rapidly withdrew his hand and clutched it to his chest. He stared wide-eyed at the Doctor, too taken aback by the experience to offer any sort of resistance as the Doctor scolded him.

"I'm trying to have a civilized conversation with you, and you just keep trying to chain me up! Were you raised in a barn?" The Doctor glowered at Thanatos, who was, quite possibly for the first time in his existence, being made to feel like a naughty schoolboy. "And stop rubbing your wrist like that. I barely even touched you."

"I—"

"Here," said the Doctor, apparently softening. "Let me have a look at it."

He reached out and gently took Thanatos's hand in his own, checking it over. Thanatos eyed him warily, but didn't quite catch on until it was just a moment too late.

"Ah-HA!" laughed the Doctor triumphantly as the manacles clicked shut around Thanatos's wrists. "Better luck next time!"

And with that, the last of the Time Lords turned and legged it, leaving a very angry personified Death in his wake.


End file.
